My current love

I just arrived home from an incredible week and a half in France...and I am in love. Prior to departing, I had heard that the French are not that fond of Americans so I was not quite sure as to what to expect. What I had heard was completely wrong! Turns out the age old idea of just being nice if you want others to me nice to you, actually works (and works incredibly well).

Quick summation:
1) My best friend, Amanda Gengler, signed up in December to run her first marathon. Being as smart as she is, she picked Paris! She ran for Team in Training which raises money for the Leukemia Society in NYC.
2) In Paris I went to: the Louvre, the Toullerie Gardens, Notre Dame, many incredible restaurants, the most amazing vintage clothing store in the world, and the marathon (of course!). Also met some incredible French people who sparked my new found interest in learning French as well as sparked a great interest in travelling to Croatia, China, etc.
3) The Riviera: Amanda and I then headed to the greatest area in the world, the French Riviera. Visited Nice, Monte Carlo (once I find my Prince Charming I can promise my wedding will be there) and then headed to Cannes (home of the Cannes Film Festival).

I am so in love with the French lifestyle. They sip their coffee in ceramic mugs (no such thing as to-go cups), they don't eat food on the go, they work to live (not live to work), and they truly have learned how to enjoy life. It is beautiful to just be part of it for a week and a half and I seriously had tears in my eyes when leaving because I felt I had left a true paradise.

Can't wait to go back and I am already plotting my next trip back to Monte-Carlo. I wish I could write more but it was one of those trips that is best described with just one word, "lovely."

Beyond humbled-

Short quip here: I was at a stop light the other day and handed a few dollars (the least I could do) to a homeless man on the corner (again, the least I could do given what I have been given-definitely not a good samaritan). What he did made me cry. He took the money, looked up to heaven, and said, "Thank you, Jesus." I started balling right there in my car. You see, I have completely forgotten to thank Jesus for the little things that I have been given by the tons everyday of my life. When was the last time I thanked God for two dollars??? I don't know if I ever have...sooo humbling.

Breaking stigmas and celebrating...

So I dreaded the idea of going to Kansas City for two weeks for training. Exactly why I thought twice about it is the reason that you are thinking of right now: "what in the world is there?" Turns out, quite a lot! I took some great long runs each night and found myself surrounded by some of the most beautiful homes in the world! Enjoy my sneak preview of Missouri and Kansas! It just reiterated the reason why I love traveling so much...it gives us a chance to break stigmas and preconceived notions about places we have never been. (PS: These homes start at around $5million in Kansas which is much higher then expected!). Also, there are some additional pics from recent events---Paris is just around the corner (complete with St. Tropez and Monte Carlo)! So excited...

Forever in Awe

People often ask me why I rarely stress about anything and it has honestly taken me many years to give what I believe to be a perfectly accurate answer. You see, the world always tries to answer our own questions but the truth is that joy is not of the world just as peace is not of this world. To attempt to explain either with an attribute from this world is not only refutable, it is impossible.

My perfect peace in one word: God. For so many years I tried to give a worldly explanation as to if I myself had provided my own happiness in some way (how self-righteous we can be). There is nothing in this world that alludes to peace: war is often the only consistency and economy exists purely because it is often imperfect or, in our current case, in dire straights in comparison to other countries around the world. What this world offers is often at the cost of another. We could be the richest nation in the world (used to be true) and there can still be billions of people below the poverty line dying of perfectly preventable infectious diseases.

The world does not know peace and thus it cannot be given. The only peace I have ever experienced is by the grace of God. I know I have a Father in heaven who sent His son, Jesus, to die on the cross so my sins were forgiven and so I could find His perfect peace that passes all understanding. I will never be good enough to earn my way to His glory: it is only by my acceptance of His forgiveness that I know the overwhelming beauty of real peace and joy.

This world consistently presents a picture that we can be our own gods. I will call it a multi-deistic presentation. They make it sound like we could actually be good enough to be a god that would actually forgive all of man-kind. I have known great people in my life and there is NOT one that I would want as my god. Forgiveness is learned and rarely consistent; mercy is often harbored when one is hurt emotionally/physically; and grace is something that this world will quite possibly never grasp (directly correlated to our self-indulgence and righteousness).

For these reasons, I will forever be in awe of my Saviour who captured my heart and has held it in perfect peace. He is THE love of my life and His love is directly associated with my ever-rising standards. To know unconditional love as incredible as what God gives is something that I hope every person is able to accept and understand. It brings tears of joy to my eyes everyday when I sit back and praise Him through prayer and worship. I am in awe that He could love me so deeply in spite of my millions of faults.

I thank Him for not letting us strive to be our own gods. It is what America has done for centuries and it has led us to our state today. When we answer to God and know that we will never be Him, there is an incredible respect and hopefully a deep reverence for His every being.

I hope that His overwhelming joy and unparalleled peace lets you rest in His arms each and every day. His mercy is new every morning and with that, I hope His perfect peace (and my anecdote for the stresses that this world has to “offer”) finds a way into His perfect life for you. Again, forever in awe...

What can break my heart:

I am a rather transparent person: not very private, will tell you nearly all that you ask to hear, and I usually wear my heart on my sleeve. By God’s good grace, my transparent personality is also coupled with what I believe to be excellent intuition. Quite a combination!

I have never personally had my heart broken and I also really don’t care to feel what that is like…although I do love it when people say that you must go through it so you know what love really is. I am pretty sure I can feel love without having it wrenched out of my heart, thank you! It’s kind of like somebody telling you that you have to break your leg in order to actually know its full function. I don’t think so…

Here is my real heart break: one of my dearest friends called me the other night and stated that she had been dating someone for nearly two months. He was “alright,” “not exactly my type,” and “someone to hang out with.” Definitely my top three traits for a perfect forever! The saddest part was what she mentioned after that: “Well it is better to be with him then to not have anything.” She noticed my silence and awaited what she knew my response would be…”it is much better to be alone then to be with someone who takes away any part of you, especially your standards.” Statistically this is a rather typical “Anna” response.

Since when did we start thinking that without someone else we are nothing? Don’t sell your soul (refer to the Harlot piece for more on our personal price) and your standards just to have companionship. I have spent 27 years refining and trying to figure out who I am and I will be the last person to put my personal finishing school on hold for someone who is just “alright.” I personally believe, and could prove it to be true, that standards are of the utmost. Theoretically speaking, in order for anything to improve (government, the economy, foreign relations, etc.) statutes of higher order are necessary. This meaning that principles must first be created and then followed in order for any element of that entity to improve.

This goes for us as well! In order for society to have emancipation from divorce, heart-break, single-parent homes, abortions, etc. we must raise who we are as individuals. It is not enough to be part of the normal crowd because greatness rarely arises from the masses. We must be willing to spend a few extra days alone in order to 1) learn who we really are, 2) make sure our standards are real and not just a façade, and 3) to learn what God really sees as great for our lives. This patience is what creates in us the confidence to trust our intuition as well as gives us the ability to say no to anything sub-par.

Don’t you feel honored when you are chosen by someone who has high standards? It’s pretty much the same thing as getting a letter saying that you are the best, the ultimate, the elected, the one. Personally, I would rather wait to have “earth-shattering, spell-binding, unexplained love” versus having a right now full of “alright, good for now, not exactly my type.”

I pray that God grants each of you the patience to wait for something incredible. If you have already found it, I tip my hat to you. Oh, and congratulations on being chosen.

Cannon Beach with the beautiful roomies!

A few photos from last Sunday at the beach. It was incredibly beautiful (we think God blessed our day because we all went to early service and didn't skip out on church...hehe).

The Harlot-what is our price?

Maybe I will do something lighter next time-

I love books. However, my love is often only for the ones that you can pick up and finish in two days. My attention span is short; if it is not captured in the first chapter the book will go directly to sitting on my night stand with the large collection of “Page 20 somethings.” These are the books that I attempted to get into but stopped reading due to lack of charm, interest, etc. I usually have about five sitting on the stand at a time, secretly hoping that I will one day make it past the first 20 pages. A few of the current Page 20 Somethings include: The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire (700 pages and written in the late 1700s…”gripping” isn’t necessarily the first word that comes to mind), When the Fairy Dust Settles (part of a book club at this time), and The Marshall Plan (a friend wrote this one).

Let me get to the book for which this title is dedicated. The book is called “Redeeming Love” by Francine Collins. I am sure that many of you have heard of it and possibly even read it. I started it at 11pm on Saturday night and finished by Monday morning. If it wasn’t for the fact that I am not that charming on less than six hours of sleep, I would have finished it all the first night.

I am not too sure how to even start the write up because I am still sorting through all of the emotion that I felt by just turning page after page. I hope none of us ever have to experience the heartache necessary to find God’s love that was portrayed so vividly in this book.

Quick summation: Angel was a young girl sold into prostitution after her mother died (her mother was a prostitute as well). She was so hardened that she never cried or even tried to escape. In fact, she often went back to this way of life because it was all that she had known. She was only aware of a place where love was evil and feelings were meant to never be discussed or better yet, felt. The book is modeled after the Bible book, Hosea, in which Hosea is told to marry a prostitute (and keep going back and rescuing her). The man in the book is told by God to go into the brothel and take her out and marry her. He is a strong Christian man and spent years with her rescuing her from the depravity she was drawn back to.

I thought when I started reading this book that I would sympathize with the many, who was always trying to remove someone from all of the hurt of the world. Instead, my heart actually felt what this girl was going through. Oddly, she was a prostitute sold into the industry at the age of eight and had endured her every bone being sold at the cost and pleasure another. And I felt what she felt-to the very core of my being.

I am not a prostitute/harlot/hooker/etc., but I know what it is like to sell myself at the cost of my invaluable dignity.

We have all been a harlot to this world. We have all sold ourselves for some price at the cost of our very soul; hopefully not at the cost of physical abuse and torment at the same time. We all seem to forget that the devil does not walk around with horns on his head, cackling, and leading us into places that are on fire and marked by eternal darkness. He attracts us with shopping malls, lust (at the time the thoughts might include “what does one night matter?”), colorful magazines that not only purchase our thoughts but turn them around into an arsenal for the devil (sex is on at least 9 out of 10 of the covers of the top magazines), and wealth. Wealth will purchase a soul better than all of the others combined. How many happy people have you seen who have had a ton of plastic surgery or what about those driving the new BMW 7 series/Range Rover/etc.? Seriously, go do your own analysis on that one.

Where in all of this are we able to keep a pure heart without growing hardened to everyone around us? Where do we gain discretion, wisdom, morale, and standards if that is the last thing that the world has to offer? In fact, the world mocks those attributes more than it frowns upon STDs, open sex and divorce.

The closer I draw to God, the more I realize that He is the ONLY one that can buy us back from this world. I honestly have no idea how people who do not believe in God make it through this world…I consider myself to be personable, somewhat intelligent (credit to God on anything there), determined, independent, etc., and with all of those attributes I couldn’t imagine a world without Him. I don’t go to this world for support because it has never filled me. I can to Forever 21 everyday of my life and will still come home and want more-not because there is anything new but because I was not fulfilled. I can travel the world and experience everything other cultures have to offer and I can still come home and feel alone in my own home.

I am a harlot, bought only my Jesus’ death on the cross. The only way he could rescue any of us was to offer 100% forgiveness…99% would leave way too much left to apologize about on a daily basis. I was bought by the blood of Jesus on the cross and I will never understand why He thought I was worth it.

Remaining in wonder I will attempt to live my life knowing that I must honor someone who loves me at the cost of His own life.

Germany-aww...but for only a weekend.

On a whim (as I find life most exciting) I decided to book a trip to Frankfurt, Germany for the weekend. I booked the ticket on the 4th and flew out on the 10th. Why Frankfurt? Absolutely no idea. Just wanted to get away and I literally just thought of a random place to go in Europe and went...for three nights.

This trip was beyond incredibe in the sense that it solidified more about who I really am. I have never been the one to be settled down with the white picket fence and 2.2 kids. I am a restless heart. Yes, that can potentially be a problem but the dating scene will not be addressed here. It reminded me how important it is for me to embrace what my heart really is. It is spontaneous, passionate, random, adventurous, zealous, and full of a slight side of wreckless abandonment. And that is what I genuinely love about who God has made me to be. No one can predict where I will be tomorrow or next year, only God knows my true details and my life story.


Here are just a few of my experiences in such a short time frame.

Plane rides: Naturally, I wanted to sleep on the way there/back because it was going to be a short trip (three nights). However, on the way there I was next to a veterinarian opthamologist (asked me out to dinner in Paris but that is a different story) and on the way home I was next to some guy with PhD from MIT in engineering. Needless to say, neither plane flight (14 hours each way) involved much sleep. Certainly did learn a lot though...

The language: Do not attempt to speak German if you have never tried. I repeat, don't attempt. It is near impossible. I gave up after only a few "hallo" and "danke." Luckily for us undereducated Americans, they all speak English.

Hotels: Two things- expensive and smaller beds. That is all you need to know.

Castles: So I took a train ride to a town called Heidelberg that has the Schloss castle (circa 1500s). Missed a few stops, met a weird German man on the train that didn't stop talking to me (only slightly endearing), and finally made it to my always final destination, a castle. Met a man their named Peter. Turns out he was the hired driver for a automotibile industry CEO and his wife, Joe and Joan. They adopt me for the day, take me out to lunch, and take me back to Frankfurt in Peter's brand new 08' Mercedes S Class going 160 mph on the Autobohn (yes, that is correct 160 mph or 260 km/hour). Awesome. I love being adopted in foreign countries.

Porsche: So the second evening I meet up with someone from a travel network I belong to, asmallworld.net. He says he will pick me up and he has a silver sports car. Needless to say, it is the new 08' Porsche 911/Turbo. Nice. Great trip for great cars. He is only 27...he also has a Ferrari, an Aston Martin, and one other. He says why not own fast cars when there is not speed limit. Good point-it makes them completely useless in America. His name was Faustsus (if that has any relevance).

Shopping: Two things once again- INCREDIBLE shopping and our dollar sucks right now. Oh, and tax in Frankfurt is 18% which was ALMOST enough to stop me from buying a beautiful suit. Didn't work as I am now the proud owner of an undescribably beautiful piece of attire.

Taxis: They are all Mercedes, mostly new E-classes. Note that I could move here in an instant.

Final night: Meet up with another individual by the name of Julian (guy, not girl). Takes me to an incredible French restaurant at which I have my favorite as always, filet mignon. Incredibly great conversation and what are the chances that he happens to know the only other Germans that I know??? I had these clients in Aspen when I worked at Ralph and it turns out he grew up hunting and golfing with their families. Crazy!

The flu: Wow. I have not had the flu since I was 11 and what are the chances it would come into effect on the weekend I was in Germany??? With a fever around 103, cold sweats, and incredibly severe body aches, it introduced itself to me on Sunday night. Just try to imagine what flying with a severe flu for forteen hours is like...

Here are some pictures from the venture to attempt to put my thousands of words in pictures.

Now I am off to figure out how to get two criminal convictions off of my social security number (does anyone even know how that is possible???). Kind of makes getting a job difficult if someone else is trying to take your identity.

Auf wiedersehen, Anna

In front of the Roemberg-most of the buildings are rebuilt to look like the old ones since America and Britain bombed everything here in the 40s

The Great Cathedral in Frankfurt

Schloss Castle-incredible history here.

Don't you love traveling solo?!? For some reason people thought it odd I was only there for the weekend...

My adopted family, Joe and Joan

Porsche friend, Faustsus

Center Square of Schloss Castle in Heidelberg

The old opera house-side view

Mr. Julian-My German date for an evening

The Haphbahnhof- a beautiful train station

The Old Opera House

Seriously a great question!

I think a child might be able to answer this question that I thought of the other day: How come birds do not fly into each other??? Seriously, have you ever thought of that? There are millions upon millions up there and they never run into each other. If we are superior beings, how do we get into thousands of car accidents everyday?

Just a thought...also, how come bees do not hit each other also?

Our deepest fears...

Read the entire next quote and then take a deep breath afterward...it will make sense.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. " Marianne Williamson.

I get tears every time I read that quote. I have never been one to get depressed because I did too much or was too tired from working too hard...I get depressed when I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God made me for much more than who I am at that moment.

Most recently I lost my job which, given the pure enigma I felt in it being gone, was apparently making me horribly depressed. When the job was gone, it was as though God said to me: "My beautiful child, I have created so much more for you and since you aren't going to do anything about it, my love for you will get rid of it." He knew that I was meant for so much more and since then, I have rested in His arms each day in prayer asking Him who He wants me to be. When I sell myself short or do things only half-way, I only sell God short because He has given me (and each and everyone one of us) a chance to change this world.

On that note; pray often, dream big, and have faith in our Creator.

Worth the wait: great love.

It's amazing to think of all of the things that we are willing to wait for in life. Let me just make a list to reiterate the point (feel free to add):
1) a new I-Pod
2) a new Nintendo/Wii/Xbox/PSP, etc.
3) a vacation
4) a movie
5) a movie to come out on DVD
6) a sporting event
7) 401k/roth/hedge fund maturation
7) ...

We are able to wait for quite a few things that we know will provide more pleasure, excitement, money, and fulfillment. Myself, being 27 years old as of last week, has seen so many people wait for so many things. Sadly, there is one thing that very few people wait for.

Great love.

That's right. Not just “love”-the one you see on Friends or any other large sitcom, but "great" love. Also, not the one that I have often replaced with lust: the first time you see someone that is completely wrong for you but you are greatly attracted to that person. I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to make those lustful situations become a great nothing. (Word for the wise: you can only make something great if there is something to work with.)

I have always believed in it because I was raised in a family that followed after the greatest illustrator and perfector of this great love, Jesus Christ. Whether or not you believe, I can promise you that a belief in Jesus definitely raises your standards and rests your head very softly on your pillow every night knowing that grace is new every morning. My parents taught unconditional love and more importantly, practiced it. So many people enter relationships to have just "love." Something like great love seems to be too much to wait for and the risk is apparently high because it involves time (in a plastic surgery sensitive society, time and gravity seem to be our enemies). I guess we wait for the new IPOD, XBox, sporting event, etc. because we know it will eventually come. There is proof in the marketing that it will be there one day.

The marketing I follow is a slight bit different. It is an antiquated yet modern book that holds in itself 66 other books on that same subject, Great Love. The Bible, something old that holds something new for any heart that is willing to find it. We are an instant gratification society: probably the reason that sex tends to constitute a relationship (don’t worry, that will be touched on later). The Bible talks about this amazing, sacrificial, unconditional, unexplainable love for thousands of pages with personal “great love” letters from the Great God.

I have my doubts in this wait for Great Love but that is only because this world doesn’t know how to believe in anything. Luckily, my doubts are overshadowed by faith. Sometimes I try to create love (not great love, just love), from nothing at all because I want to feel that emotion. Of course, settling for just love leaves me with just that. Nothing “great,” just love by itself in a normal, everyday world sort of way. It is in those moments where I have to pray hard and remind myself why I wait for this thing called Great Love. I wait because I don't think the Bible would exist if this idea of Great Love was not real. Also, I believe in greatness because it is part of a system: below average, average, great. Well, trust me, I will wait for the best of the best even if it takes all of my time. I will travel the world, take any job I want, make great friends, fall in love with fashion trends, read and pray my way through a great life that will hopefully, one day, be interrupted by Great Love.

It does exist. I don’t read the fairy tales just because it was something to do when I was young…I STILL read them because reaching for something great makes my life close to ethereal. I have seen certain friends that have this Great Love and it makes love look punitive in comparison.

My story is written by God’s highly capable hands and in such craftsmanship, “Great” is the only thing that is allowed.

Greatness is great. Average is average. I am not a brain surgeon but I am pretty sure I would choose the former versus the latter.

“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.” Hans Christian Andersen.

Are you willing to live it?

Red Light!

Okay, so road rager I am not. Need us not forget that in my last job I drove for nearly eight hours out of the day. I am pretty sure that one of the job requirements was to be a person without road rage...needless to say, I do have my pet peeves.

But, as life goes, God was bound to teach me a lesson in driving and how I am in no means more holier than another.

Running red lights is the one that will get me going. In Oregon people tend to not choose speeding but rather chooose running red lights as their violation of choice. I was pointing this out to many people over the past weekend and announcing my disturbances with these individuals (BTW: I can statistically prove that most of them drive mini-vans). This was until I was in a rush today, around 4:35 and needed to catch (whatever that means) the light. I entered it as it was yellow and naturally exited while it was red and the next light had turned green.

God: "Any comments, Anna?"
Anna: "Absolutely not, I apologize."

You see, even in the smallest things I often find myself believing that I have done something better or larger than others. It is often at that point that I realize that is what God has called me to do and in His book, our best works are nothing. So, I will continue on my driving way, sans automobile, and thank God for his Good Graces versus getting amped up about little things that I will undoubtedly commit myself.